Sunday, April 13, 2014

go on

so I took a little trip to boston last week.  I was there for a conference, but totally fell in love with the city.  LOVE.  so some people are ocean/beach people.  I'm an urban person.  cities fascinate me.  the people.  the buildings.  the vibe.  the culture.  they renew my soul.  well turns out, boston is the perfect place for that.  when people say it's a walking city, they're totally correct.  I logged some serious kilometres on my feet.  that and a couple of hundred of pictures on the good camera and I was in heaven!

{okay, so I'm NOT that into american history, but this is cool.  ben franklin is also buried in this cemetery.}

{the old state house.  I really love the contrast between the old and the new.}

{ahhhhh.  and all the irish pubs.  I went to one, but not this one...wish I had!}

{I wish I remember the name of this church.  it's off boylston, in the alphabets.  it may be old south church.  or trinity church.  it's OLD.  1600s, I think.}

{I walked most of the freedom trail...this is the sight of the boston massacre.  I know very little about this time in history; time for some research!!}

{and then we took a ride on the T to fenway.  I don't love baseball, but I sure love the feel of this place.  we were a bit late to go for a tour, so we sat and had dinner with the green monster in sight.}

{our hotel was in east boston, so on our last day we took a cold, cold, windy walk to the harbour and the view of the city was breathtaking and grey.  but beautiful.}

there are a lot of times when people ask me how I do it.  I know what they mean by that question.  how do I work full time, parent full time-ish, have a husband that works 5 nights a week, maintain a bit of a friendship with a couple of peeps, do a couple of other things and generally be happy?  I get the question a lot.  I have a couple of answers though.  first, parenting is a two person gig in my house.  when I'm not around, john isn't just babysitting.  and it's the same when he's not around.  is our current reality perfect?  heck no.  but I can leave the house or leave the country and not worry about my kids.  well, especially now that they're old enough to feed themselves!!!  second, I work hard and play hard and when I take a break, I break at a full stop.  I try to carve out a couple of weekends a month where the kids go to grandma's for a night and I can literally sit on my ass, drink wine and watch tv.  third, I am married to a pretty amazing guy who understands all of this about me.  he gets that I need to pull a full stop every once in a while and he totally supports my need to reboot.  

and maybe most importantly, I really love my life.  I love my job.  love my kids.  love my life.  I am so incredibly blessed and have no reason to complain.  perfection is not what I'm striving for.  messy.  loud.  fierce.  passionate.  spontaneous.  but never perfect.  I am grateful.  for all of it.  especially the mess.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

there is love

sometimes just a line in a song says it all.  for me.  for the people taking the courage today to reach out.  for you, my friend.
don't let the sadness grow
you're beautiful don't, know you know?
it's easy to dive into doubt
but harder to climb back out

and the last line rings incredibly true today:
let joy be the theme of your song.

Sunday, March 09, 2014

gone, gone, gone

I've not had a great couple of weeks.  auto pilot is the name of my game right now.  asleep.  sleep.  lethargic.  cranky.  the absolute antithesis of how I like to live.  there are many contributing factors that are not really excuses, but I've let them become excuses.  mom of two very active boys.  both boys in high level sports.  wife to a man who works shift work.  full time teacher/administrator in a fairly demanding work environment.  busy is my reality and I've let it become my excuse.  my excuse for opting out of my life.  couple this with my desire to please and it's a recipe for emotional disaster.

it's been almost four years since the summer of my crazy.  and I feel the symptoms yet again.  disconnecting.  mood swings.  exhaustion.  auto pilot.

and it's lent.  historically I've given something up for the 40 days leading up to easter, but this year, in light of my head not being in the game, I've decided to shake it up just a bit.

I am ridiculously introspective.  I don't live in my head, but I have a fairly good grasp on how I think, why I think and reflective on the choices I make.  there are pros and cons to having my brain.  I am absolutely my own worst enemy.  and I have a tape in my head that tells me daily that I am a failure.  that I'm a procrastinator.  that I'm lazy.  that I'm fat.  that I'm not worthy.  just to name a few.

in the last few weeks, I've been giving that voice in my head far too much air time.  I am starting to sabotage myself and believe the lies I tell myself.  well, I see it.  I effin' see it.  so, for lent this year, I'm giving up those messages.  I am going to refuse to listen to them.  I am going to SHUT THEM DOWN and give them the finger.  I am going to replace them with messages that are more true:  I am worthy.  I am enough.  I am grateful.  I am beautiful {just the way I am}.  and in this, I am going to practice moderation.  I am going to not let work consume me.  I am not going to let my kids schedule consume me.  I am not going to diet, just fuel my body.  I am going to drink in moderation.  I am going to live my life awake.  not self medicating with food and alcohol.  not wallowing in self pity.  just living my life awake.  in the moment.

I'm going to wish that I just gave up chocolate, aren't I?  and on that note, I wish I could give up marking grade 7 book reports.  but alas, I can't.  sigh,

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

home sweet home

it's been almost two months since I last blogged.  well, that's not entirely true.  I have some posts loitering in my drafts section!  I feel like I've lost my writing mojo.  and I'm paying the emotional price for it.  writing is my way of dealing with my world.  when I don't write, I don't process well.  when I don't process well, things start spiralling.  and when things are spinning, I don't write.  see the problem?  I think that the issue in my world is the noise.  "busy" can be a huge excuse, but busy and noisy in combination becomes stifling.    

I don't even feel like I have anything important to say.  which is kinda bull shit, I suppose.  maybe I need to just ease into things with a list.  I like lists.

1.  what the heck happened to february??  this is where busy takes over my world.  hockey.  soccer.  work.  home.  I love watching my kids play their games, but the schedule has been a tad busy for the last few weeks!  we're on the tail end.  hockey playoffs are in two weeks; soccer provincials are at the end of march.  

2.  parenting the 8 year old has been enormously challenging as of late.  I love how he reflects my own insecurities and takes unintentional advantage of my emotional chaos.  my favourite was when he said that HIS dad deserved a nicer wife.  ha!  he is my mirror.  I hate that.  sigh.

3.  some shout out to the beatles.  just 'cause.  have you been playing along with #funshirtfriday ?  WHY THE HECK NOT!!  pull out that beatles t-shirt and have some fun on friday.

4.  my one word necklace showed up.  I love it.  go check out Lisa's blog.  her stuff rocks.

5.  the lego movie.  need I say more?  everything IS awesome!

6.  Ty has been obsessed with learning how to play the piano as of late.  he's been learning how to play chords.  he's figuring out that every scale has chords that complement each other and how they work together to create a song.  o when the saints.  house of the rising sun.  swing low, sweet chariot.  good tunes.  he makes me smile.

7.  and then there was more hockey.  this is why I show up.  that smile.  that love of the game.

8.  then there were the olympics.  I'm in withdrawal.  we did a lot of cheering at school!  I love my country and love hearing our anthem when the flag rises!

9.  this was my book list in January.  I got distracted by the divergent series; I read all three books in two weeks flat!  then I got distracted by a stack of professional reading.  so my stack just sits, with the book on top revolving!  I miss just sitting and getting lost in a good mystery.

10.  we got a new bed in January.  it's more of a new-to-us bed, but I now understand why people don't want to get out of bed in the morning.  I'm sure new bedding helped, but "comfy-cozy" are the words the kids use!  and both of them can climb in and I don't even notice.  LOVE THAT!

11.  I feel like a list is a bit of a cop out, but it is what it is, right?  just because I'm not exposing all my deepest, darkest thoughts, it doesn't devalue the ordinary.  the ordinary isn't what's making the noise in my life, but it, coupled with the noise is creating a contained bomb that is dying to explode.  containment or disarming perhaps, is currently the name of my game.

Wednesday, January 01, 2014

let it rain

happy new years, peeps!  I hope you were good to last night and it was good to you.  john was working, so the boys and I crashed a party at our friends house.  "make your own stir fry" was on the menu and it was DELISH!!  good food, good drinks, amazing friends...a good way to start a new year, right?  the boys were in bed by 1230; it was more like 130 for me, but my amazing kids let me sleep until 1015.  LOVE THEM!

so I kinda alluded to this yesterday, but I had a word picked out.  and then a new word picked me.  sheesh.  on top of it, I usually pick a scripture as a foundation for my word but this year my anchor is a song.  yep.  I got to see mumford & sons last year and they were AMAZING.  I'm thinking it's fitting that this song is going to be my theme song for this next year:

awake.  my word for 2014.  why, you might ask?  well, I run most of my life in auto pilot.  busy is an understatement in my world.  it's never an excuse, but it's my reality.  two very active kids in sports, a husband that works night shift and a full time job that is more like a job and a half!  in my free time {ha!}, I sit on my ass and watch a crap load of tv.  and when I have a burst of energy, I clean my house!  it's true.  but I do a lot of this in auto pilot.  and I am often emotionally and physically asleep.  I get that busy is my reality.  I get that I spend most of my days listening, counselling, making decisions for other people and generally being "on my game", but my kids are missing out on my best.  I am missing out on my best.  I need to find some balance.  I think I've used this analogy before, but I believe that you walk in the direction that your feet are pointing.  where are my feet pointing?  where am I investing my life and my love?  honestly, right now?  no where.  I am tired, weak, worn.  2014 needs to be a year in which I live my life {physical, emotional, spiritual} awake.  ready.  renewed.  awake my soul.

psalms 57:8 says this:  "awake, my soul!  awake harp and lyre!  I will awaken the dawn." {so there was a scripture for this one!}  in 2014 I will awaken the dawn.

what's your word?  join me.  {all you have to do is click on the picture for the link!}

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

all alright

it's new years eve.  the end of one year and the beginning of another.  my motivation for doing much of anything has been lacking in the last week.  my ideal christmas break includes a lot of coffee and a lot of tv.  these two things have been solidly accomplished.  oh, and I've slapped myself upside the head for being a whiner and I've started eating like an adult.  clean, healthy, in moderation.  it was a tough fall.  that's my only lame-ass excuse.

restore was my word for 2013.  it was a really great word.  needed in a time where my focus needed to be inward.  "He restores my soul" was my mantra for this year.  and in many ways, this has come to fruition.  yet, I'm not feeling very restored.  I'm feeling tired.  asleep.  unmotivated.  hesitant.

I'm listening to mumford & sons right now:

how fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
and now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
my weakness I feel I must finally show
lend me you hand and we'll conquer them all
but lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
lend me your eyes I can change what you see
but your soul you must keep totally free

awake my soul.

{my word for 2014 may have just found me.  that's for tomorrow though.}  although I don't feel it right in this moment, there has been a lot of restoration, reconstruction, resurrection in my world this past year.  change has been a prevalent theme for many around me.  although touched by change in my own little world, I could have never predicted that when the word restore found it's way into my heart that I would have the opportunity to be instrumental in the restoration of others as well.  and the refrain of my life plays again:  it's not all about you, cor.

I deeply contemplated keeping the word restore for another year.  I feel like I touched just the tip of the iceberg with it.  "there's no good reason why I can't move was all alright and now it's all all wrong," sings the zac brown band in my ear right now.  okay, so they're singing a break up song, but you get the picture.  oh, and my boyfriend dave is on drums.  that's important.  "I'm as lost as a feather in a hurricane" - love that lyric.  okay, so I got off track and distracted by dave grohl.  fickle, I know!

maybe that's why I like new years eve.  it's like that last dance with a boyfriend that you know you can't hold on to anymore.  time to break up with the old and embrace what the new year brings.  time to shut the door on a year that was difficult and laborious and open up to the opportunities that 2014 will bring.

and in it all, it's me who has changed.  even if just a little bit.  I am not the same as I was 365 days ago.

neither are you.  one last dance.  then it's goodbye.  you were fun to play with, 2013, but far too difficult to live with for longer than necessary.  I'll wear the good memories like a badge in my {partially} restored heart.


Sunday, December 22, 2013


it's cold.  it's snowy.  we're on movie #2 in the "the santa clause" series.  but the sun is shining and there is baileys in my coffee.  have I done any shopping yet?  HECK NO!  ha!  okay, well there has been some on-line shopping but nothing is here yet.  EEEKKKK!  oh well.  I have a plan b.  it's ALL good. sigh.

A Christmas Version of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah that will Give You Chills! from theremix on GodTube.

then there was this.  man, I need to get my piano tuned.  I keep wearing "bah humbug" t-shirts...and it's how I feel.  it's time to start spreading the joy.  three more sleeps!