nothing left to say

yeah.  that's how I feel.  I'm tired.  and worn out.  okay, so I'm sick, so there's a legit reason for why I'm feeling so crummy!  that said, I'm doing something about it.  yep.  I took next week off work.  that combined with a 4 day weekend that started today and next weekend [which has "usual" weekend status], I've managed 10 days off.  IN.A.ROW.  yep.  I rock.  so of course I'm sick.  and the kids are driving me crazy.  they also have a 4 day weekend.  yippie.  ha!

that said, I do have a couple of things in the works:

1.  mumford and sons.  wednesday night.  I am sooooo super excited!
2.  I'm going to clean out my laundry room AND the garage next week.
3.  the sun is shining and the leaves have made an appearance.  it's time to sneaker up and get my walking on.  the half marathon is only 16? weeks away?
4.  6 more weeks of school.  which means 6 weeks + 1 sleep until we leave for disneyland.  super exciting.
5.  and if it's 6 weeks until disneyland, then it's 7 weeks + 1 sleep until john and I are driving to vegas.
6.  today marks the end of my second, yet highly unofficial whole30.  I actually don't think it belongs in the whole30 category.  the last four weeks have been me eating about 95% in whole30/paleo fashion and I've been choosing 1 meal a week as a cheat/treat meal.  and in that time, I finally broke up with my scale.  it's been almost two weeks since we hung out.  on the first of every month we have a standing date, but other than that, we're done.  through.  finished.
7.  I'm scheduled to do a hard-core, no cheats or treats, whole30 starting on May 24th.  anyone wanna do it with me?
8.  I'm suppose to walk 9k on sunday.  sigh.  I haven't been walking enough.  I've been throwing around the idea of doing the jillian michael's 30 day shred along side my next whole30.  I need to do something.  fun stuff.

so what's new with y'all?  any summer plans?

round and round

so, still nothing profound to say.  HOWEVER, I made a super yummy dinner tonight and a couple of people want the recipe.  if you could call it that...

my thai inspired turkey lettuce wraps.  {inspired by this post}

1.  saute some shredded carrots and some green onions {I did 4 stalks of green onions and 2 cups of carrots} in olive oil.

2.  cook some ground turkey.  {I used a big pot to do my veg in, and then added my ground turkey.  two of the costco packages.}

3.  season it with salt, pepper, red pepper flakes and coconut aminos {or in the case of all you non-paleo eaters, soy sauce!}

4.  add a can of drained water chestnuts.

5.  prep your lettuce.  you need to get the old fashioned head of lettuce and break the pieces off, ever so gently.  wash & dry.

6.  make some kick-ass sauce.  1 part regular olive oil, 1 part chipotle infused olive oil, 1 part coconut aminos {or soy sauce}, 2 parts almond butter {or peanut butter} and some garlic.  shake the heck out of  it.  and add more olive oil if it's too chunky or thick.  and if you don't have any of my special olive oil, just add some red pepper flakes or something like that!!

7.  assemble.  and pack some for tomorrow's lunch.

seriously, THAT easy.  and now you understand why I'll never be a food/recipe blogger!!!

my biggest eating issue right now is that I'm getting bored of some of my usual flavours.  and the seasons are changing so I'm craving lighter foods.  these totally cut it.  plus, I have some salmon in my fridge and tomorrow I'm going to create a fish taco using lettuce.  'cause I can.  this whole eating plan has been going well, over all.  I have one treat meal a week and the rest of the time I'm following mainly whole30 guidelines.  but my brain and my taste buds are telling me to switch it up a bit, so I'm gonna listen!

and then I started walking this weekend.  yesterday's 2.95k was pretty decent.  today's 7k was awful.  the heat and the sun just about killed me.  and apparently, starting off a week with almost 10k on my shoes...WHEN I HAVEN'T LOGGED A WALK IN A YEAR...is stupid.  I nearly puked.  and fainted.  yeah.  good thing my mom is such a supportive walking partner!  I have my work cut out for me.  there's a half marathon with my name on it in August and I'm out for a PR.  I almost look happy in this picture - that's because it was last night and NOT today!!

anyways, that's what I'm up to these days.  how are y'all doing?

hear me

oh, my poor neglected blog.  I'm sure my readership has been cut in half.  ha!  good thing I do this writing thing for me and not really for anyone else.  sorry to burst your bubble.  on the other side, I kinda needed the month off.  we've not had any sports or major commitments in the last few weeks and apparently I've needed the rest.  who knew?  I'm not wonder woman!

even right now, I haven't a clue what to write.  and you know?  that's okay.  I just wanted all four of you to know that I'm good.  super good.  and I pinky promise that I'll do a proper update tomorrow, k?

xo

bleeding out

I'm still obsessed with imagine dragons.  are you listening to them yet???  WHY NOT?

so yesterday at lunch marked the finish of my first whole30.  yippie!!  {and yes, yesterday lunch, as I knew a month ago that easter dinner was not going to be a compliant meal}.

things I learned {I summed a lot of these up in my post on thursday, but I thought of some more!}:

1.  I can cook!  although I had some bombs in the kitchen {picture blended dates and balsamic vinegar all over my kitchen}, I got into a good groove and made some pretty kick-ass meals.

2.  my body loves me when I eat real food.  I had some pooing issues through this w30 {I know, TMI}, but gone was the constant bloating, stomach pain and general discomfort that had become my normal.

3.  it's going to take longer than 30 days to break 40 years of bad habits.  in my world, food solves all problems.  I eat when I'm bored, stressed, happy, sad, angry, celebrating...you name it.  I still tend towards that frame of mind, but I'm beginning to deal with it.

4.  I am NOT a quitter.  it's been my mindset for years:  "you can't lose weight because you're a quitter" or "you have no willpower"  or "why start?  you'll just give up anyways".  these messages come from all sorts of places, but I've embraced them over the years.  I can confidently say today:  I am NOT a quitter.  I did not cheat.  I did no give up.  I did not eat a tiny piece of sugar or pre-packaged foods.  I did not touch cheese.  I did this .  the whole 30 days of it.  and I feel great.

5.  my scale and I still have issues.  I did cheat on this whole30 and it was with my scale.  we had a daily date pre-w30.  I stepped on the scale 5 times in the 30 days.  a HUGE improvement, but still not perfect.  good to know I have something I still need to work on!!!

6.  this is a journey.  I lost 10 lbs in 30 days {YES!}, but I have a long way to go.  this is just the beginning to a new me {inside and out}.

7.  it's not all about the scale.  okay, in my head it still is.  I know that is the dragon I need to slay.  that said, it was great to hear from friends about how great I looked, that I seemed less grumpy, and that I can fit jeans that I was bulging out of a month ago.  it was also really nice to walk into a store and buy a skirt that was a SMALL.  like shut the front door!  {it was stretchy and tad tight around the hips, but it'll fit perfectly soon...}

8.  I don't care what the people around me think of this crazy-assed way of eating!  I've always been a bit crazy.  that said, three people have asked me for the name of the book!!

9.  I can take a week off {staying mainly compliant, but I'm going to have some wine with my hubs this week for our 10th wedding anniversary} and then just keep going.

10.  I love how I sleep when I'm eating right.  the dreams I have are WILD and I wake up amused at my brain almost every morning!

11.  apparently I am capable of dealing with stress WITHOUT booze and food.  March was a crazy, crazy month {think hockey playoffs for kid #2, soccer practices and tryouts 3x/week with kid #1, report cards and a hubs that transitioned from night shift to day shift} and I dealt with my stress without ever drinking directly from the whiskey bottle.  yes, I ate MANY meals on the road, transporting kids here, there and everywhere and yes, I ate more lara bars than I wanted to {due to sheer emergency!}, but it was still do-able.  this #11 was a huge thing for me.

so what now?

I have a long way to go and this was just the beginning.  so I am going to start a W60 on April 7 and I am going to start training to walk a half marathon in July {see, REAL plans!!}.

how great thou art

I was asked to contribute to a devotional series based around holy week {you can see all of them here}.  this is what I wrote.

so I've decided that I got the worst day to have to write about:  the grand finale.  the biggest deal in the christian calendar.  the super bowl of christian holidays.  no lead up, no nothing.  just the main event.  easter sunday.

and in preface to writing this, as a systematic rule breaker/bender, I don't like tight guidelines.  so I can guarantee as you read this, it's not going to be a quiet reflection of the memory of a great day in history.  nope.  I'm going to blast this one open in fine style.  the grand finale deserves some good champagne.  and I am going to try to honour that.  okay, well theologically speaking, it's not even really the grand finale.  more like the end of the second act, but y'all know what I mean, right?

I've also chosen not to focus on a specific scripture, but on two words:  grace and restoration.  neither of those words turn up in the verses that describe the resurrection, but they are weaved into the interconnectedness of this most holy week.  and perhaps the person that has always grabbed me the most is peter.  maybe because I am peter.

you all know the story.  peter effed up.  big time.  he betrays christ.  and at this point, even if peter doesn't totally get that Jesus is the Son of God, he's dissed his friend.  big time.  he was a coward and a big mouth.  I am peter.

I really don't know if peter understood that Jesus was God.  perhaps he had an inkling, but I don't think he really knew.  I think he knew in his head but not in his heart.  he had witnessed great miracles.  he had walked with Jesus and heard him teach.  he was in the inner circle.  but I'm not sure he really believed.  that he really trusted.  I think that peter thought it was really over.  he totally stabbed his friend in the back and now that friend was dead.  that is an enormously hopeless place to be.  I would suspect that the days between the crucifixion and the resurrection would have been absolute emotional torment for peter.  all the "what ifs" and the "I should haves".  the desolation in peter's heart.  I am peter.

and then those words: "he's gone".  john 20 says that peter was the first one to the grave after the women came and found him.  the grave was empty.  that little twinge of something in peter's heart.  that bit of hope.  that tiny piece of expectation.  a small reminder of the words Jesus had spoken just days before.  knowing in that moment that restoration could be found.  I am peter.

now go and read john 21.  restoration and grace.  the two things that I believe Jesus died for.  I deserve death.  He took it for me.  and He restores my soul.  I deserve death.  and He gives me the gift of grace.  peter did not deserve the love he received.  yet it was freely given.  restoration and grace.  peter did not deserve his second chance, but grace offered it with a heart wide open.  and in those moments on the beach by the sea of galilee, peter was restored.  forgiven.  redeemed.  loved.  I am peter.

this song has been in my head a lot lately.  it has less to do directly with easter sunday than it does a celebration of restoration.  an anthem of worship in honour of the grace given.

O Lord my God, when I in awesome wonder,

Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;

I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,

Thy power throughout the universe displayed. 

Then sings my soul, 

My Saviour God, to Thee,

How great Thou art, 

How great Thou art.

Then sings my soul, 

My Saviour God, to Thee,

How great Thou art, 

How great Thou art!

When through the woods, and forest glades I wander,

And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees.

When I look down, from lofty mountain grandeur

And see the brook, and feel the gentle breeze. 

And when I think of God, His Son not sparing;

Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;

That on the Cross, my burden gladly bearing,

He bled and died to take away my sin. 

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,

And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.

Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,

And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"

may I always be in humble adoration, living a life restored.  a life where "second chance" is my middle name.  a life where grace is offered freely, yet treasured for the price that was paid.  for me, easter sunday is when I proclaim:  "My God, how great Thou art!"

I don't mind

saturday.  the lost day in the middle of holy week.  super saturday?  sad saturday?  common, it deserves a name too, right?

well, since I am sitting at home in my pjs, drinking coffee and cleaning off my pvr, I am lacking in a whole lot of creative thought this morning.  however, it's been a good spring break.  lots of coffee.  lots of pj days.  lots of tv.  and lots of sleep.  and a hair cut.  and a pedi.  and some shopping.  happy spring!

if you follow me on instagram, you've seen most of these...but they are my week!

{best store ever!  infused olive oils and vinegars.  so much yummy it's ridiculous!}

{denny's brunch with the kids.  their choice.  all sorts of crazy!}

{best whole30 breakfast ever.  

and it's sooooo happy making eggs in the morning and not eating on the go!}

{nate dying eggs}

{I did some crafting this week!}

{love the glitter!}

{ty dying eggs}

{bought myself some tulips from costco.  I thought they were white, turns out they're pink!}

the river

writing has been hard for me lately.  I'm not too sure if I've just been too busy and it's taken 5+ days off to just decompress so that I can think creatively again, or if what I have to say is too real to have to sort through.  maybe a bit of both.

but today, the sun is shining and the snow is melting.  the great thaw has arrived.  ha!  it's a balmy +7C today.  last week we were knee deep in snow.  literally.  I think 20+ cm fell in 24-48 hours.  regardless, I'm ready for spring to make an appearance.  my house is quiet and I have no excuses.  okay, other than having to go pick up the kids in ten minutes.

so, three more days of my whole30 challenge.  three more days of lent.  and I'm a bit freaked out.  for the most part, I don't stay the course on anything for this long.  I'm a quitter most of the time.  also, I'm not too sure what to do next.  well, I have some ideas, but I'm a bit freaked out about heading into "no rules" mode.  the rules have served me well for the last 27 days.  have I broken any?  yep.  I failed in the "break up with your scale" part.  other than that, I haven't intentionally broken any eating rules.  there were some times when I had to eat out and I know that not everything was compliant, but I did damn good, considering the choices.  also, I made some unintentional errors.  and I self-corrected them as I needed to.  all things considered though, I did it.  I didn't quit.  I didn't give up.  and this is huge.  freaking huge.

things I learned:
1.  I'm not a slave to food.  it doesn't beckon me any longer.  it gives me energy and sustenance, but it doesn't own me.  I own it.  ha!
2.  I'm not a quitter.  that tape that keeps playing in my head is changing it's tune.
3.  I don't need food or booze to deal with stress.  I'm not too sure how I dealt with stress this past month, but apparently I did it without over eating and without a drop of wine.  shocking.  I think I took out all my frustration in the kitchen.  cutting veggies is more cathartic than you'd know.
4.  I will have to continue to work hard not to fall into old habits.  this is the first week that I've had full-on cravings for sugar and I'm very worried that I'll lose control.  freedom scares me.  that said, I don't think I'm ready for the big world yet.
5.  I didn't miss cheese as much as I thought I would.
6.  this works for me.  I've been sleeping better, dealing with life better, and doing life better.  I have more patience.
7.  when I started this process, I didn't know what I was taking on.  I thought it was health related when in fact it's been very emotional and very spiritual.  battling 40 years of food habits is not for the faint of heart.  and apparently it's got nothing to do with will power.  I still don't have a lot of that.  I was eating poor quality "healthy" food.  it still came from a package and it was still all weighed down with sugar in every name possible.  I have not conquered the sugar dragon quite yet, but he's cowering, that's for sure.

and so now what?  this has been the big question that has been in the forefront of my mind for the last week or so.  I don't think I'm ready for freedom in the big world of food quite yet.  I have a lot more healing to experience - physical and emotional.  so here's the plan:  I'm going to take a bit of a break from the hard core and live in 90/10 world for a week {it's our 10 year anniversary next week and I'd like to have a nice meal with my hubs}.  then I think I'm going to do a whole60.  and start training for another half marathon in July {walking, people, not running!}.  this journey has just begun for me.  and if this is a year defined by the word restore, then I need to remember that this is part of the journey.  a long journey.

so yes, my lovely blog is going to be continually haunted with talk of food and how I suck at cooking for a while longer, but I'm assuming the three of you are good with that :)