nova baby

...I'll just continue from yesterday {which is still today, but I'm pretending it's tomorrow so my tenses are going to be TOTALLY off}

so I kinda thought I could shake the thought in my head.  I wanted to shake it.  I still want to shake it.  now I am a fairly rational, semi-intelligent girl.  and I know that the crap in my past lies dormant for a lot of the time.  and I know darn well that I can continue on auto-pilot for a long, long time when necessary.  but in a week that was one of pinching pennies and driving to and from work in seriously sub-zero conditions in a car that is in dire need of an oil change, that thought wouldn't leave my mind.

and then sunday reached again.  and honestly, the last few days have been miserable.  I've been miserable.  discontented.  ask my kids.  there has been a lot of yelling the last few days.  I want silence, but I can't seem to find it long enough to think.  but today {I mean yesterday...whatever!} I was playing the piano at church.  couldn't really get out of that, and wouldn't considering how much I love it.  and today, dean talked about being significant.  that we matter.  that we are loved.  and not replaceable.  and the voice in my head said "see?  told ya so."  and then I got a lot of "I love you.  all of you.  all of the mess and the cranky and the angry and the hurt.  all of you."  honestly, at this point, I pull out my phone in the middle of church and check facebook just to distract myself.  so I get through all of that, play the piano, talk to a few people and get out.  but it just won't let up.  and then tonight, I did my usual sunday night thing.  only on crosspoint we were talking about forgiveness.  shit.  and it started with a video, a story of a man who had been sexually abused as a child.  and I believe my comment was, "this hits close to home."  and then I started talking.  and I realize that I need to forgive myself for being such a schmuck.  and I need to stop being so angry at God.  people are broken.  the person who molested me was broken.  we live in a broken world.  and it's time to just forgive.  and see my significance again.  like I did before I was abused.  the past has held me in bondage for so long.  and I so I wrestle with God.  and refuse to surrender.  but I am broken.  and apparently loved.  and in need of grace.

and because this is all I know at this time, I think I'll stop and see what this week turns up.