blame it on me

hello old friend.  it's been a while.

I suppose to say it's been a busy fall would be an understatement.  I suppose it's been no more or less busy than every other fall.  hockey.  soccer.  school.  a husband that works nights.  that's the busy on the surface.

scratch beneath the surface and the cavern below starts to rear it's ugly head.  mixed metaphors.  fun times.  ha!

1.  the lovely kid that doesn't like to sleep.  we suspect that he has some anxiety issues.  to discount this as a major source of time and energy would be wrong.  it's sucking me dry.  arrggg!

2.  the other lovely kid that is in grade six this year.  we are feeling the need to be more plugged into his life.  don't ask me if I feel like I'm doing a decent job of this, but spending time with my almost-twelve-year-old is pretty important right now.

3.  I've been gone.  A LOT.  hockey tournament in Calgary.  retreat in Banff.  birthday party in Ottawa.  pd in Boston.  I've been gone more in the last four months than I ever have been in the fall.  don't mistake it for complaining.  I'm grateful that I've been able to go and do the things I've done this fall; it just adds to the stress level.  just a wee bit.

and at the end of the day, I have forgotten about the things that keep my stress in check.  music.  writing.  solitude.  and maybe most importantly, gratitude.  I think maybe I've lost my way a bit.  busy is never my excuse, it really is my reality.  however, I've been using it as an excuse not to take care of myself.  and I have been paying the price.  I feel like my relationships are strained.  my health is sucky {don't ask me how many pounds I've added to my ass over the last year}.  my joy is eroded.  I'm not loving the person that is exiting 2014.

time to change that.  I wear a tattoo on my arm that says "choose joy".  it's in honour of a legacy that I don't always honour.  it's time to change that too.  if joy is a choice, then I haven't been choosing wisely.  I've been wallowing in self-loathing and stress.  and as a result, I'm tired.  as 2014 so quickly comes to a close, I actually want to finish strong.  I want it to go out with a bang, not a mere whimper that is all about me.  'cause it's not.

I've not been a fan of new years resolutions.  I think they set us up for failure.  I am a fan of change though.  and radical change.  so it starts now.  why wait until thursday?  so, right here, right now, I am pledging my intention: 

my word for 2014 was awake.  it's taken me until today to figure out what that means.